After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
