A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
