So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
