This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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