There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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