I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
