we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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