I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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