Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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