How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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