onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
