we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
