Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
