Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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