I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.