i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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