fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.