Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
