well you can't waste a boner
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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