i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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