i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
