i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
