So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
