If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
