the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
