i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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