My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
cat food counts as protein by the way
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
