Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
