not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
