I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
