Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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