I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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