Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
