the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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