apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
