Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
