You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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