I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
