come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
