listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
