Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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