I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
