Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
