Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
