my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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