the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
