Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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