nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
