just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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