Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
