My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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