I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
