apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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