Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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