She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
