I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
