i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
