Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
