mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
