Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
