Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
