i permit you to call me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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