so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
