She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize