if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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